Antidotes to the Four Horsemen

My previous blogs looked at the findings from relationship research carried out by Dr John Gottman and what he calls “the four horsemen”: these are patterns of behaviour which accurately predict relationship breakdown: criticism and contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Gottman also put forward what he termed the antidotes to the…

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Criticism and contempt

Among the most important and well known of relationship expert John Gottman’s findings is a set of communication habits humorously dubbed "The Four Horsemen” (from the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who herald the end of the world!!). These are criticism and contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. This blog looks…

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Communication Styles

Why does communication seem to work beautifully at times and fail miserably at others? When communication breaks down, it’s often because the patterns and habits of how we communicate — our communication styles — get in the way.  Understanding different communication styles can radically improve the quality of our relationships. Research…

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Communication

Wired for connection Communication is more than just a way to express our thoughts and feelings. It’s a basic human need that helps us connect with others. As Brene Brown says, “Connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to…

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Validating Our Emotions

Stop being so hard on ourselves! Following on from my previous blog about emotional dysregulation and how to name and tame our strong emotions, this blog looks at the importance of validating our emotions.  When we experience intense feelings of anger or frustration, anxiety or disappointment, we often judge ourselves…

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Emotional Dysregulation

Emotional dysregulation is a term that seems to be used quite a lot these days meaning an inability to manage our emotional states. We may struggle to return to “baseline”, to soothe ourselves, after getting really angry or anxious or sad. Intense feelings seem to come too often, too quickly,…

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Coping with Flashbacks

This blog is part of a series of articles about handling intense emotions and focuses on coping with flashbacks. Most of us are familiar with the concept of flashbacks - we know that soldiers who are war Veterans may experience flashbacks when they are in situations that are similar to…

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Emotional Flashbacks

This is another in a series of blogs looking at managing intense emotions. Emotional flashbacks are probably the most intense internal experiences we can have and result from past traumatic experiences. A flashback or a panic attack? How is an emotional flashback different to a panic attack? (See my previous…

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Panic Attack Drill

It’s easier said than done to not let your panic attacks control you but they do always pass and the symptoms are not a sign of anything harmful happening. The panic attack drill is a simple but very helpful because it gives us a sense of control over how we…

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