Among the most important and well known of relationship expert John Gottman’s findings is a set of communication habits humorously dubbed "The Four Horsemen” (from the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who herald the end of the world!!). These are criticism and contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. This blog looks…
Why does communication seem to work beautifully at times and fail miserably at others? When communication breaks down, it’s often because the patterns and habits of how we communicate — our communication styles — get in the way. Understanding different communication styles can radically improve the quality of our relationships. Research…
Wired for connection Communication is more than just a way to express our thoughts and feelings. It’s a basic human need that helps us connect with others. As Brene Brown says, “Connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to…
This is a second blog looking at healing after a relationship ends. My first blog is here. When we talk about grief and loss we often mean the death of someone that we love. But actually our lives are full of small and not so small losses and we can…
This blog looks at the emotions we experience with the loss of a relationship. When we talk about loss we often mean the death of someone that we love. But actually our lives are full of small and not so small losses and we can experience grief when confronted with…
My two previous blogs looked at theories and research into attachment between children and their care-givers over the past 80 years or so. This blog looks at adults and attachment. It was not until the mid-1980's that researchers began to take seriously the possibility that attachment processes may still be…
This second blog about scapegoating in families looks at the effects of scapegoating. Within a family, one member becomes the target of accusations, blame, criticism or ostracism. While it’s happening, family members are often unaware of what they are doing and would deny it if confronted with their behaviour. Becoming…
What is scapegoating? Scapegoating within families is rarely talked about but many of my clients have described this process in their families. What exactly does it mean? Well, in ancient tribal societies, a goat was chosen to represent the group’s collective sins to appease an angry god. By casting the…
My last two blogs introduced the idea of toxic families and this one looks at ways to cope with a toxic family. Looking for support in dealing with difficult relationships within their own close family is one of the most common reasons people come to me for counselling. Dealing with…
This is the second blog in a series about families and looks at the signs of a toxic family. When people first come to counselling, they often find it hard to talk about their family in a critical way. It can bring up great feelings of guilt or sadness. But…
A Perfect Family? What do people mean when they say they have a toxic family ? Toxic families tend to have well-established patterns of bullying, discrimination, manipulation, even physical, emotional or verbal abuse. The dynamics of a toxic family affect most of its members, making their lives miserable. Family shapes…
This blog looks at the challenging topic of dealing with a narcissistic boss. Many managers can be demanding and difficult at times but a true narcissist has behaviour traits that do not change and can make your working life a nightmare. Working under a boss who is unpredictable, self-centred, and…