Family Issues
No such thing as a “perfect” family
Nobody has a “perfect” childhood, but some families function in healthier ways than others. A dysfunctional family may have unhealthy patterns of communication, conflict, and behaviour that negatively impact the well-being of its members. Our parents are the foundation of our first attachment to the world. As infants, we learn by their example how to bond with others. We derive our initial sense of our self-worth from how they care for us, nurture us, protect and shield us from harm.
As a society, we tend to pretend that most families are pretty OK, and only talk about experiences that are positive. But…there’s no such thing as a “perfect” family. Families fight. They sometimes hurt each other. Parents make mistakes, children make mistakes. Families can be imperfect and functional at the same time – they don’t HAVE to be perfect or idyllic to be functional. Arguments will happen, and children and teens will probably break the rules sometimes. But in a well-functioning family, these hiccups don’t lead to abuse or breakdowns.
The psychological needs of children can be neglected for all sorts of reasons, including parental addiction, family breakup, poverty, violence, and serious mental illness. This neglect is generally rationalised and normalised by the parent in ways that are extremely confusing to the child. Such a child grows up believing that his or her needs were not important, and that the parent’s treatment was actually appropriate, even loving. The child may even feel guilty for feeling a lack of love and appreciation toward the ostensibly caring parent.
What is a well-functioning family?
Here are some characteristics that are generally identified with a well-functioning family:
Support, love and respect
The adults are respected as the people in charge, but children are also respected as individuals with their own personalities and desires. Every child is treated equally, and siblings aren’t made to compete against each other for their parents’ love.
Providing security and a sense of belonging
Parents provide care for their children, and children aren’t expected to take on adult responsibilities. Every member of the family feels safe, and the home is free from violence (both physical and psychological).
Open communication
Conflict is allowed in a functional family. When someone doesn’t agree, they’re allowed to express their anger (in respectful ways). No one is shamed for experiencing conflict or appropriate emotion. Family members are encouraged to have their own feelings about things. Each person is free to strive for their individual goals and express their needs.
Enjoyment of each other’s company…
…despite daily stress and responsibilities. Ability to laugh and have fun together.
Clearly defined rules and roles
A crucial feature of a functional family is that the rules are flexible and can change as members of the family grow and change. Part of these established rules is that there are boundaries in place. For example, children are not brought into conflicts between parents.
How are dysfunctional families different?
Situations that can lead to dysfunction include:
- Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse
- Children have to take on too many responsibilities (such as taking care of an ill parent)
- Parents are absent, so children are left to fend for themselves
- Violence in the household, an atmosphere of fear pervades, if something goes wrong, there is an immediate search for someone to blame
- No clear boundaries or rules within the family, leading to chaos and neglect
- There is no demonstration of love or affection between family members
- Family members invade each other’s personal privacy without consent (such as parents reading through a child’s journal or diary)
- Communication is stifled, children aren’t allowed to express themselves – feelings are wrong
- Children are used as weapons or pawns, either against each other or in parental arguments
- Parents expect perfection from their children – there must be no mistakes, no vulnerability
- Appearances (“what will people think?”) are more important than love, support, building up confidence
How can counselling help?
First of all, recognising how family members emotionally trigger you can enable you to start to be more aware and able to put various strategies in place to protect yourself. Setting clear boundaries is often an essential step – whether it is to speak up rather than say nothing. Avoiding certain individuals or gatherings as much as possible or keeping contacts short and less frequent can also give a sense of safety and control, rather than vulnerable and powerless.
Some people feel that they have no choice but to distance themselves – distancing can range from a temporary break to a more permanent separation. It can involve just one or two members of a family, or it can encompass a wider family group, depending on circumstances. It can mean preventing grandparents from spending time with their grandchildren, opting out of family gatherings such as at Christmas or weddings – dramatic and desperately painful decisions – but ones made in order to protect oneself and one’s mental health.
Looking for support and advice on all types of family issues?
Book a counselling session today!
See also: The Impact of a Dysfunctional Family,