This is the second in a series of articles about families and focuses on the impact of a dysfunctional family. Nobody has a “perfect” childhood, but some families function in healthier ways than others. Broadly speaking, a dysfunctional family is characterised by unhealthy patterns of communication, conflict, and behaviour that negatively impact the well-being of its members.
Profound and long-lasting impact?
The impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family can be profound and long-lasting.Growing up in a dysfunctional family can lead to emotional struggles such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Some may find it difficult to establish healthy relationships or develop coping mechanisms, leading to a cycle of dysfunction that impacts long-term mental health. Adult children of dysfunctional families may carry unresolved issues into adulthood, affecting their emotional well-being and ability to form healthy relationships. Over time, unresolved issues can contribute to PTSD, attachment challenges, and chronic stress.
The child growing up
Children growing up in a dysfunctional family often don’t feel safe and supported and their emotional and/or physical needs may not be met. Perhaps they weren’t able to play in a carefree way, encouraged to try new things, or have friends come to their homes.They may not be aware that their family is different to others – and it is often only when they go to school and spend more time outside their home, they begin to realise that something is different – the Dad isn’t always angry, the Mum is warm and welcoming and gives hugs.
If a parent is too busy or not interested to come to the school play or football match, children internalise this as “I don’t matter”. Adult children may describe their childhoods as confusing, unpredictable, full of shame, chaos, and fear. They may say that they didn’t feel loved – and so as adults, feel damaged and unworthy of love.
The impact of a dysfunctional family
One of my favourite writers is Gabor Mate, a Canadian physician with a special interest in child development, trauma and potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health. He says: “Much of what we call personality is not a fixed set of traits, only coping mechanisms a person acquired in childhood.” (From Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No.)
Some possible impacts are as follows:
1. Low self-esteem and self-worth
Constant criticism, belittlement, or neglect can make you feel unworthy, inadequate, or unlovable. Constant comparison to others or unrealistic expectations can make you feel like you’re never good enough. You may struggle to trust yourself, doubt your abilities, and find it hard to trust your own decisions. You might have a mean self critic in your ear, which echoes one or both of your parents – “Why on earth did you say that? What will they think of you?”
2. Difficulty in forming healthy relationships
If you’ve grown up with toxic behaviors like manipulation, emotional abuse, or neglect, you may unconsciously repeat these patterns in your own life – or you may be more likely to accept these behaviours in friends and partners in your adult life, simply because they are what you are used to.
It can be hard to trust others, even when they have proven themselves trustworthy. If your family was neglectful or emotionally unavailable, you might constantly fear being abandoned or rejected by others. You might struggle to open up or connect on a deep emotional level, either because you were never shown how to do so or because you fear vulnerability. These challenges can lead to isolation, loneliness, or cycles of unhealthy relationships.
3. Increased stress and anxiety
If as growing up, we experienced constant conflict, unpredictability, or emotional abuse , we had to be on high alert all the time, in order to protect ourselves from possible harm. As adults, even if we are out of this situation and are well able to defend ourselves, we may not lose that sense of hyper-alertness or of dread, as if something bad is about to happen. This can lead to exhaustion and overwhelm which, long term, can also have physical impacts, contributing to insomnia, headaches, digestive issues, and even cardiovascular problems.
4. Emotional and psychological trauma
Being subjected to toxic behaviors like gaslighting, emotional manipulation, or physical abuse can cause deep emotional scars. The psychological effects of such trauma can last long into adulthood and may include:
- Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD): In severe cases, especially where abuse or neglect is involved, PTSD can develop. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, and emotional numbness.
- Depression: The emotional toll of growing up in a toxic environment can lead to depression, characterised by persistent sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest in activities.
- Difficulty managing emotions: If you were never taught healthy emotional regulation, you may struggle to cope with feelings like anger, sadness, or fear in constructive ways.
5. Poor coping mechanisms
When you grow up in a toxic environment, you may not have learned healthy ways to cope with stress, emotions, or conflict. As a result, you may rely on maladaptive coping mechanisms, such as substance abuse or self-harm.
Again quoting Gabor Mate: “The attempt to escape from pain, is what creates more pain.” and
“Not all addictions are rooted in abuse or trauma, but I do believe they can all be traced to painful experience. A hurt is at the centre of all addictive behaviours. It is present in the gambler, the Internet addict, the compulsive shopper and the workaholic. The wound may not be as deep and the ache not as excruciating, and it may even be entirely hidden—but it’s there…the effects of early stress or adverse experiences directly shape both the psychology and the neurobiology of addiction in the brain.” (From his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addiction)
You may use avoidance or denial in difficult situations or with difficult people – either by withdrawing or pretending that everything is fine, even when it’s not. Similarly, in an attempt to gain approval or avoid conflict, you might go to great lengths to please others, even at the expense of your own needs and well-being.
6. Strained physical health
While the effects of toxic family dynamics are often viewed through an emotional or psychological lens, the physical toll is just as real. Chronic stress and anxiety can take a significant toll on the body, leading to a variety of physical symptoms, including:
- Chronic pain: Conditions like fibromyalgia, headaches, and back pain can be exacerbated by stress and tension from toxic family relationships.
- Weakened immune system: Long-term stress can compromise your immune system, making you more vulnerable to illness.
- Digestive issues: Stress and anxiety can lead to conditions like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), ulcers, or other digestive problems.
- Sleep disturbances: Toxic family dynamics can lead to poor sleep quality, contributing to fatigue and further impacting your mental and physical health.
7. Difficulty Finding Personal Identity
Toxic families often blur personal boundaries and create environments where children or members lose sight of their individual needs and identities. If you’ve grown up in a household where you were expected to fit a specific role (such as the caretaker, the rebel, the scapegoat, or the peacemaker), it can be difficult to break free from those labels.
Without a solid sense of self, you may feel uncertain about who you are, what you want, or what your values are. Having been told what to think or how to act for so long, you might have difficulty making independent choices, being able to live the life you really want to.
For more information
Some videos/articles with Gabor Mate talking about the impact our childhoods can have on our adult lives:
https://theconversation.com/gabor-mate-claims-trauma-contributes-to-everything-from-cancer-to-adhd-but-what-does-the-evidence-say-207144#:~:text=To%20Mat%C3%A9%2C%20trauma%20is%20a,and%20alienation%20from%20the%20present.
The Myth of Normal Gabor Mate https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OvSL6RZCkyI
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See also: Dysfunctional Families, A Toxic Family, Signs of a Toxic Family
