Among the most important and well known of relationship expert John Gottman’s findings is a set of communication habits humorously dubbed "The Four Horsemen” (from the biblical Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse who herald the end of the world!!). These are criticism and contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. This blog looks…
Why does communication seem to work beautifully at times and fail miserably at others? When communication breaks down, it’s often because the patterns and habits of how we communicate — our communication styles — get in the way. Understanding different communication styles can radically improve the quality of our relationships. Research…
Wired for connection Communication is more than just a way to express our thoughts and feelings. It’s a basic human need that helps us connect with others. As Brene Brown says, “Connection is why we're here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it's what gives purpose and meaning to…
Stop being so hard on ourselves! Following on from my previous blog about emotional dysregulation and how to name and tame our strong emotions, this blog looks at the importance of validating our emotions. When we experience intense feelings of anger or frustration, anxiety or disappointment, we often judge ourselves…
Emotional dysregulation is a term that seems to be used quite a lot these days meaning an inability to manage our emotional states. We may struggle to return to “baseline”, to soothe ourselves, after getting really angry or anxious or sad. Intense feelings seem to come too often, too quickly,…
Pete Walker is a writer I have recommended over and over again to people who are experiencing emotional flashbacks, as a result of trauma. As a trauma survivor himself, he describes better than anyone else both what they feel like and about handling emotional flashbacks. Emotional flashbacks are experiences of…
This blog is part of a series of articles about handling intense emotions and focuses on coping with flashbacks. Most of us are familiar with the concept of flashbacks - we know that soldiers who are war Veterans may experience flashbacks when they are in situations that are similar to…
This is another in a series of blogs looking at managing intense emotions. Emotional flashbacks are probably the most intense internal experiences we can have and result from past traumatic experiences. A flashback or a panic attack? How is an emotional flashback different to a panic attack? (See my previous…
This is part of a series of blogs about handling intense emtions and looks at mindfulness and panic attacks. My previous blog went through the steps of the Panic Attack Drill and this blog is a variation on that, which brings in tools from the practice of mindfulness. What is…
It’s easier said than done to not let your panic attacks control you but they do always pass and the symptoms are not a sign of anything harmful happening. The panic attack drill is a simple but very helpful because it gives us a sense of control over how we…
My next few blogs, in a series about managing intense emotions, look at two particularly challenging emotions - panic attacks and emotional flashbacks. I will look at the differences between the two, suggest how to handle both, and focus, in this blog, on high levels of anxiety and panic attacks.…
This is the second in a series of blogs about emotions and focusses on how to manage intense emotions. As humans, we are designed to experience a whole spectrum of emotions - and rather than instantly labelling then “good” or “bad”, we can simply see them as messengers, sources of…