This  is the third in a series of articles about living in, surviving in and healing from the effects of a dysfunctional family. This focusses on the importance of setting boundaries in a dysfunctional family. 

First of all, it’s important to say that there is no such thing as a “perfect” family. But, families can be imperfect and functional at the same time  – they don’t HAVE to be perfect or idyllic to be functional. Things will go wrong but in a well-functioning family, individuals find ways to put things right without relationships breaking down. 

My previous blog looked at the impact of growing up in a dysfunctional family – which can be profound and long-lasting. How can we start to protect ourselves and hopefully start to lower the impact? One of the biggest barriers is actually realising what is happening – as children, an atmosphere of unpredictability and fear may be all we have ever known. We may, wrongly, blame ourselves for what is happening around us, or simply detach or dissociate. I often liken the way a family operates as a “dance” – we make some moves, and other family members do their own moves in response. There is a domino effect happening, and everyone influences one another. Families often have roles – the funny one, the angry one, the responsible one, the trouble-maker, the peacekeeper etc. Once we’re in these roles, we tend to default to them, particularly in times of stress. So the first step has to be:

1. Acknowledge our feelings

One of the hardest things about dealing with toxic family members is that they often create confusion about our own feelings. Parents and siblings may downplay or dismiss emotions, leaving us to doubt ourselves. Even worse, expressing how we feel may be met with anger. It can be hard to do this alone – counselling can help an individual to start to acknowledge feelings – often a mixture of anger, sadness and fear. Feeling heard and validated is an essential first step – we start to be able to separate ourselves from the deeply entrenched patterns and ask ourselves what we need, and how best to get those needs met. Once we feel reasonably confident about this, we can move onto the next next step…

2. Establish boundaries

One of the toughest parts about setting boundaries with family is dealing with the misunderstandings and backlash that can come with it. Everyone is used to the status quo and so family members may see our boundaries (even the smallest ones) as rejection or a sign of disloyalty.

It may not involve a big conversation – just decisions we have come to on our own and quietly put into place, when needed: for example, limiting how much time we spend with them, what topics or behaviours are off-limits. If this doesn’t work, however, we may have to consider cutting contact temporarily or permanently if the relationship is too harmful. As a counsellor, I am aware of how often individuals, for very good reasons indeed, find themselves in this position. 

It is essential to remind ourselves: boundaries are not about punishing others; they are about creating a space where we can protect our emotional well-being. They teach others how we need to be treated, and if they refuse to respect those boundaries, it’s a reflection of their disregard for our needs, not a reflection of our worth.

3. Step out of the drama

Toxic families can be full of drama. Whether it’s arguments, power struggles, or constant attempts to provoke a reaction, it can be tempting to get caught up in it. However, engaging only fuels the situation. To protect your peace, practice disengagement when necessary.

Sometimes the best response is no response at all – you can ignore a comment or simply change the subject. Staying calm, maintaining composure is essential in order for you to have control over the situation – If what is being said or done if offensive or rude or crosses a boundary you have established for yourself, you can acknowledge this to yourself and make a deliberate decision what action you need to take – do I need to say something, say nothing, do I need to leave?

4. Learn to say “no”

Simple but by no means easy: One of the most empowering things we can do when dealing with a toxic family is to learn how to say “no.” Be direct and polite when saying no. There is no need to justify ourselves. “No, I can’t do that right now” is enough.

Toxic individuals often push their agenda or make unreasonable demands, expecting s to comply out of guilt, obligation, or fear. Saying “no” can feel like a rebellion, but it is, in fact, a form of self-care.

Saying no means we are putting our peace of mind, our emotional health over the demands or toxic behaviours of others. It is okay to not be available when someone is acting in a way that is hurtful to us.

5. Seek support

It’s extremely difficult to navigate toxic family dynamics alone. Building a support system of friends, therapists, or even support groups can provide much-needed perspective and validation. Others who have experienced similar struggles can offer advice, empathy, and understanding.

6. Let go of guilt

When we set boundaries or choose to distance ourselves from toxic family members, it’s common to feel guilty. We may worry that we are being too harsh, or that we should tolerate their behaviour because they are family, because they are elderly. However, it’s essential to recognize that we have the right to protect our own mental and emotional well-being. Guilt is often a tool used by toxic people to manipulate others into submission.

Gabor Mate, Canadian physician and one of my favourite writers and speakers, says that if we continue to let others walk all over us, we will feel resentment  – but if we say “no”, we will feel guilt. However he says: “A therapist once said to me, “If you face the choice between feeling guilt and resentment, choose the guilt every time.” It is wisdom I have passed on to many others since. If a refusal saddles you with guilt, while consent leaves resentment in its wake, opt for the guilt. Resentment is soul suicide. Negative thinking allows us to gaze unflinchingly on our own behalf at what does not work.”

7. Cut ties if necessary

In some extreme cases, the best course of action may be to sever ties with toxic family members entirely. This can be an incredibly difficult decision, and it’s not one to take lightly. However, if the relationship is damaging to your well-being and no amount of boundary-setting or communication has helped, you may need to consider ending the relationship for your own peace. If you choose to cut ties, do so with a clear mind and a commitment to your well-being. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting yourself.

Need some advice and support?

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, contact me:

See also: Dysfunctional Families, The Impact of a Dysfunctional Family, A Toxic Family