This is the first in a series of blogs about the dangers of anger and bitterness – how they play out in our lives and in our relationships, how they can negatively impact us and how to avoid getting sucked into the destructive and addictive cycles that they can cause. 

First a few quotes!

“Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness.”—Martin Luther King, Jr.

“It is hardly possible to build anything if frustration, bitterness, and a mood of helplessness prevail.”—Lech Walesa,  Polish statesman, dissident, and Nobel Peace Prize laureate

“Bitterness is unforgiveness fermented.”—Gregory Popcak, psychotherapist

How do we express anger?

The expression of anger can vary significantly among individuals. Some people are unable to control their anger and may exhibit overt signs of anger, such as yelling, shouting, or engaging in aggressive behaviour. Others may internalise their anger, showing signs of withdrawal, passive-aggressiveness, or silent resentment. 

Harriet Lerner in her excellent book The Dance of Anger differentiates between men and women, and the ways in which we have been societally conditioned to relate to our anger.  She says that “it’s just fine and dandy for men to feel and express anger (it’s one of the few feelings they are permitted) however, for women, anger is a massive no-no.”

Is anger bad?

Anger itself is not inherently negative and there can be various causes of anger issues. It can signal that something is wrong or unjust, motivating individuals to address issues, set boundaries, or seek resolution. However, when anger is not managed or expressed in healthy ways, it can lead to detrimental consequences for the individual and their relationships. 

Harriet Lerner stresses the value of anger in relationships as a signal, one worth listening to, as it lets us know that “we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right.”

The harm that anger and bitterness can cause

Anger and bitterness can creep into our lives almost unnoticed, often stemming from unresolved issues, daily stressors, or disappointments. While these emotions are natural, allowing them to take root can harm our mental and physical health, relationships, and overall happiness. How can we avoid becoming angry and bitter, and instead, cultivate a more peaceful and positive mindset?

The need to take ownership of our feelings

 Ownership and personal accountability are important concepts when it comes to feeling and expressing feelings, especially anger and resentment. Lerner writes in detail about the importance of naming what you are feeling and being curious about it as a pathway to deeper understanding and insight. Lerner says: “Anger is a tool for change when it challenges us to become more of an expert on the self and less of an expert on others” and “You are responsible for your own anger: It is important to recognise your anger and take responsibility for it. This means learning to express it in an assertive, rather than aggressive, way.” 

The difference between anger and bitterness

While anger can be a normal and healthy emotion when expressed constructively, bitterness can become toxic and corrosive, leading to prolonged negativity, damaged relationships, and personal stagnation. Unlike anger, a more immediate and reactive emotion, bitterness tends to be a long-lasting and lingering feeling that can become deeply ingrained. It can colour a person’s world perception and influence their interactions. Bitterness may manifest as cynicism, mistrust, and negativity toward life and relationships.

Is bitterness the same as resentment?

Bitterness is an emotional state characterised by dwelling on past events, harbouring resentment, and lingering anger or disappointment. It is often associated with a deep-rooted sense of injustice or betrayal. The words resentment and bitterness are often used interchangeably – the difference between them is quite subtle, resentment being very specifically directed towards one person or event, bitterness being more of a general feeling – as in the following example: If someone were to steal my car, I would feel a strong resentment towards that person, in regard to that act of theft. After walking to work in the snow for a few days, I would also feel bitterness about no longer having a car.

The destructiveness of bitterness

• It can be addictive

Bitterness can be addictive: Obsessing over one’s injuries or outrage can make us feel better than, or morally superior to, the source or the perpetrator of their wrongs. A bit like picking a scab on our arm, we find ourselves going  over and over again in our minds all the ins and outs of how we feel we have been wronged. 

• It keeps us stuck

Bitterness often hinders personal growth and prevents us from fully engaging in meaningful relationships. It can isolate us and create a vicious cycle of negativity.  Bitterness can creep up on us very slowly and we can sometimes fail to spot it. It affects our mood – we tend to go more quickly towards anger, disappointment or irritability than we might normally. Small things annoy us. Quite often these feelings don’t seem to have a clear root and are difficult to let go.

• It creates a victim mentality

Bitterness starts out as hurt and we tend to view whoever (or whatever) provoked this hurt as having malicious intent.  Psychology Today blogger, Stephen Diamond, Ph.D., defines bitterness as “a chronic and pervasive state of smoldering resentment,” and regards it as “one of the most destructive and toxic of human emotions.” If we repeatedly ruminate over how we’ve been victimised, “nursing” wrongs may eventually come to define some essential part of who we are. We may end up becoming victims not so much of anyone else but of ourselves.

Letting go

Acknowledging and letting go of anger bitterness is essential for personal well-being and emotional healing.  It involves recognising the impact of past experiences, finding ways to process and release negative emotions, and actively working toward forgiveness and acceptance. My next two blogs will look at these issues. 

More information

Harriet Lerner  2 excellent books: The Dance of Anger: A woman’s guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships and Why won’t you apologise? Healing big betrayals and everyday hurts.

Her website: https://www.harrietlerner.com/

And some of her many excellent videos: Why won’t he apologise? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y  

The Dance of Anger https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPgGfQPqyhg

How to turn your anger into a force for good https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5q6Q7CTH1E 

Need some advice and support?

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, contact me:

See also: Healthy and Unhealthy Anger, Men’s and Women’s Anger, Powerful Anger