Closely linked to some of the ideas in my previous blog on resilience (and the work of Rick Hanson), this article again looks at growing through adversity. I first came across Phil Stutz, psychiatrist in a Netflix series Stutz where he talked to actor Jonah Hill about his life in a series of “therapy sessions”. Although sometimes known as “psychiatrist to the stars” due to his exclusive Los Angeles clientele, he has a solid 40 years of professional work experience behind him and has worked with plenty of normal non-starry, non super-wealthy as well! I first read his book The Tools and have just finished his most recently published book Lessons for Living: what only adversity can teach you. 

Both in his documentary and his books, I loved his approach and his personality – he is plain-speaking and direct, there is no psycho-speak or complex ideas. I especially like his simple “tools” and the way he challenges our modern notion that life should be easy, safe, and comfortable. Instead, he argues that real life involves three inescapable realities — pain, uncertainty, and effort — and that embracing these, rather than denying or avoiding them, is essential to growth, meaning, and fulfillment.

Stutz believes (as many of us do I’m sure) that our materialistic culture, often promotes “magical thinking” –  that if we just get the right external conditions (material success, perfect relationships, the right job etc), we can avoid suffering. This, he says, is a delusion. Instead, adversity is not a defect in life but one of its most powerful teachers. Of course, this is nothing new, he is echoing lessons from ancient religions. 

So how do we shift our old ways of thinking?

Here are his four basic ideas:

1. Life includes pain and adversity.

   Everyone faces it. No one escapes. Denying this fact causes more suffering.

2. The future is uncertain.

   Uncertainty is not a bug but a feature of life.

3. Accomplishment requires discipline and effort.

   Nothing worthwhile comes without cost.

4. You are not special in the sense that you can avoid these truths.

   No matter who you are, these realities are inescapable. Recognising this isn’t demeaning; it’s freeing.

So how do we start to make this shift? Like me, Stutz believes strongly that it is all around taking the right actions – small, practical, focussed on what we want to achieve – for example:

Tools and Actions 

• Action over avoidance.

He says that even small actions in the face of difficulty creates momentum. And taking initiative, being PROACTIVE rather than waiting for circumstances to be perfect.

• Discipline and structure.

People often complain “I just don’t have the motivation to make the changes I need to” – so Stultz recommends daily (and fairly non-negotiable – if we decide to make changes, we HAVE to follow through on this) rhythms, routines and rituals. Setting up structure around basic things like sleep, diet, work, rest, and balance is not just good for efficiency, he says it’s foundational to what he calls “holding higher forces” – I would call this “finding meaning and purpose”  – more about this below…

• Nightly review.

This is about being accountable to ourselves – he suggests that before bed ( or indeed IN bed), review your day – what you did, what you planned, what you want to do. This practice helps with accountability, awareness, and clarifies direction.

• Gratitude.

A recurring theme: when we focus on what’s given to us, the positives (even small things), it quiets or negative self‑critic, shifts our perspective, and connects us to something larger (again bringing in meaning and purpose). He’s saying not just “stop complaining,” but actively see and acknowledge the good things in our lives.

• Active Love.

When hurt, angry, or envious, one remedy is what he calls “active love”  – toward the person or the situation – not suppressing emotion or pretending it didn’t happen, nor reacting with anger or resentment, but choosing love as an act of strength (again ideas that are in ancient religions – repackaging for the modern age).

• Connection and higher forces.

While some people may find this in religion, whether Christianity, Buddhism, Islam or Hinduism, others may find it in a sense of something transcendent or creative beyond your isolated self — a “dynamic spiritual organism underlying reality.” This connection gives us peace regardless of outer circumstances, as well as a sense of meaning. In my experience, most people, religious or not, have some sense of this, even if they can’t easily put it into words.

Pain and Shadow – the messy stuff

An important part of the book is rethinking how we interpret pain, failure, anger, envy, and other “negative” states. These are part of our “shadow self” – the messy bits we don’t like about ourselves. He says that rejecting all this horrible stuff or acting as though we should never feel them only causes trouble. Instead, he suggests:

• Allowing pain to prompt questions like “What can I learn?” rather than “Why me?”
• Accepting the inferior, vulnerable parts of ourselves (our shadow side) as part of real self‑acceptance. Self‑love is not about preference for only positive traits; it’s integrating, acknowledging, and treating well even the parts we don’t like.

Freedom and Realism

We might imagine that freedom is the absence of constraints, of pain, risk, effort. But Stutz turns this on its head and says that real freedom lies in accepting constraints. When we accept life’s inevitable hardships, rather than being controlled by fear or illusion, we free up our energy to be creative, to connect, to grow. 

He also stresses that realism — seeing things as they are, not as we wish them to be — is what allows us to take responsibility for how we feel, how we act, and how we show up in our lives. This doesn’t mean pessimism; it means clarity. And with clarity, comes power. 

In summary

Phil Stutz’s Lessons for Living is, at its heart, a map for living well despite suffering — not because you avoid it, but because you engage with it in ways that deepen you. The book isn’t about sugar‑coating pain or insisting everything must be “positive,” but about owning life’s difficulties as necessary soil for growth:

• Begin small: take one action today toward something you’re avoiding.
• End the day with a nightly review: note what you did, what you plan, what you want to improve.
• When you feel envy or anger, find a way to project love or gratitude, rather than letting those feelings root you in self‑resentment.
• Build discipline via simple routines (sleep, wake, meals, work/rest rhythm).
• Cultivate connection — with others, with what gives meaning, with something larger than yourself.

For more information

https://www.philstutzofficial.com/  His website – plenty of articles, audios and videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XL3NpMeIG9s   Phil Stutz talking to Fritzi Horsman about Lessons for Living