This blog looks at a challenging topic – healing from a narcissistic parent. My two previous blogs looked at the effect that having a narcissistic parent can have on a child – an effect which can last right into adult life. The distorted perception of reality a narcissistic parent imposes on a child can have damaging consequences as an adult at work and home. The lack of self-esteem, obsessive thinking, minimisation of abuse, excessive anxiety, and fear-based reactions are common among adult children of narcissists.

However healing from a narcissistic parent has a positive effect on all of the other close relationships in a person’s life and for many people is the key to leading a happy and fulfilling life.

There are many steps to take along the road to healing and everyone’s journey is different but here are some of the commonly experienced ones:

Recognise narcissistic behaviour

The first step in the healing process is to admit that there was or is something wrong with a parent’s behaviour. It’s stating the obvious but a person can’t recover from something they are unable to acknowledge. This is often extremely difficult to do – we grow up believing that, however we are treated, that our parents are basically good and have our best interests at heart.

Do some research on narcissism

This can be extremely useful as an initial step– clients have often said to me “when I looked up the signs and symptoms, it described the person exactly.” This can in some way “normalise” an experience (by seeing other people have been through exactly the same, that the circumstances were not unique to us, it was not our fault) and provide an explanation for how we currently feel.

Connect the dots

This next step may sometimes be easy in the beginning but becomes more difficult as the impact of the narcissism is realised. For each individual sign and symptom of narcissism, individuals start to recall examples in childhood, teenage years and adulthood when the behaviour was evident.
Abuse for a child can be physical (restraint, aggression), mental (gaslighting, silent treatment), verbal (raging, interrogating), emotional (nit-picking, guilt-tripping), financial (neglect, excessive gifting), or sexual (molestation, humiliation). Not every event requires trauma therapy but some of them might, depending on the frequency and severity. It is absolutely vital that an individual does this work at a time when they feel safely supported by another person, whether a counsellor or a trusted friend, partner or family member. It also need to be a time when they feel strong enough and when their life is reasonably stable.
It is also important that the good times or the good facets of the parent’s personality are identified. An individual may have very positive memories about their siblings or their other parent, their grandparents or other family members, or close friends – there is almost always a mix of good and bad memories.

Release the anger

Anger is a natural response after the dots have been connected and the abuse has been identified. It is hard to believe that a parent who should be loving and kind would do the things they have done. Sometimes the anger is projected on the other parent for not fully protecting their child from the trauma. Other times the anger is internalised for not realising or confronting sooner. It is important to release the anger in a safe and healthy way – again with a trusted friend or partner or family member or counsellor.

Gain perspective

This is a good place to step back for a while to gain a better perspective. Reflect on how the narcissistic parent’s distorted image of the world and people shaped current beliefs. Some examples might be “I see the world as a scarey place”, “I’m not good enough”, “my opinions and feelings don’t matter.” Start gently to counteract the distorted images and thoughts with a newly gained perspective of reality. This essential step frees a person from the narcissistic lies and false truths.

Move forward

The past cannot be changed, only understood. When forgiveness is genuine, it has a powerful transformational effect. Remember, forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the offender. It is better to honestly forgive in small chunks at a time, rather than granting blanket forgiveness. This allows room for other future or past offenses to be realised and worked through in a thorough manner.

Note that everyone is different and there may be many more steps to go through and this work may be (but not always) frustrating slow at times. But at the same time, in my experience, it is always transformational to the individual. There is a sense of becoming, perhaps for the first time, “the real me”.

Need some advice and support?

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, call Alison Winfield, Mindfully Well Counselling Cork on 087 9934541.