How does an individual get to the stage where he or she feels that the only option open to him/her, is cutting family ties? This is part of a series of blogs about dysfunctional families. What happens when an individual simply cannot continue to have relationships with one or more family members  as to continue to do so, would have a catastrophic affect on his or her mental health? 

As a counsellor, I am very aware, that although society still holds up the concept of the “perfect family” on a pedestal, suffering from the effects of dysfunctional families is what brings a high percentage of people to see me.

Many times things can be resolved or at least made bearable, by setting clear boundaries and perhaps limiting contact to some extent. But what if these are not enough? What if trying to set boundaries brings about an enormous backlash, or attempts to limit contact are unsuccessful? What if one is dealing with a narcissistic personality, or addiction, or physical/emotional/sexual abuse? At a certain point, people start to consider cutting family ties.

What does distancing from family mean?

Distancing can range from a temporary break to a more permanent separation. It can involve just one or two members of a family, or it can encompass a wide family group, depending on circumstances. It can mean preventing grandparents from spending time with their grandchildren, opting out of family gatherings such as at Christmas or weddings – dramatic and desperately painful decisions – but ones made in order to protect oneself and one’s mental health.  

Why do people distance themselves from their family of origin?

There are many reasons why individuals may feel compelled to distance themselves from their families. Below are some of the most common factors that influence this decision:

1. Toxic or abusive behaviour: Family relationships can sometimes become abusive—emotionally, mentally, or physically. If a family member is causing harm, either intentionally or unintentionally, it is essential to recognise that you are not obligated to stay in such situations. Protecting yourself from further harm is necessary for your well-being. 
2. Constant conflict: Constant arguments, hurtful words, or unhealthy dynamics can make it difficult to maintain positive relationships with family. When these conflicts become overwhelming, distancing can serve as a form of self-preservation.
3. Lack of support or validation: Some individuals may have grown up in families where their emotional needs were not met, where they were made to feel invisible, or where their achievements and struggles were invalidated. In such cases, distancing may allow someone to find the support and validation they need elsewhere.
4. Personal growth and identity: As individuals grow older, they often begin to see the world through a different lens and form their own values, beliefs, and identity, for example, strong religious beliefs. If these values clash with those of their family, it can create a sense of disconnect. Distancing allows people to nurture their independence and authenticity without the pressure to conform to familial expectations.
5. Addiction: If family members struggle with addiction or unhealthy behaviours, it can create a toxic environment. Sometimes, people distance themselves to avoid enabling these behaviors or to prevent themselves from being negatively influenced.
6. Healing from past trauma: For those who have experienced trauma (neglect, emotional, physical or sexual abuse) within their families, stepping back can be an essential step in healing. They may feel strongly that they do not want their own children to be affected by this trauma. 

The emotional effect of distancing

Having supported many individuals going through this, I am extremely aware that it is never a straightforward or easy decision. It is one made only after all other avenues have been explored, and one that requires a lot of support. The range of emotions that come up is wide – guilt, sadness, anger, relief, confusion – and it can be enormously stressful:

Guilt and shame: Many people struggle with feelings of guilt or shame when distancing themselves from family. They may continually question themselves, wondering even at this point, is there anything I can do to help put things right? What if they were right and I was wrong? Should I give things one more chance? What will people think of me? 

Loss, grief and deep sense of pain: People often grieve the idealised parent, the close, supportive family  they never had. This grief may be carried for many years.

Loneliness: Very often people feel isolated or alone after creating distance from their families. There are constant reminders – family birthdays, Christmas and Easter, family celebrations. The absence of familiar family bonds can leave a void that takes a long time to fill – even if  we know that distancing can allow for new, healthier relationships to flourish.

Anger and resentment: Again very common – especially when there are reminders of previous interactions with family members – perhaps a family member has sent a nasty, blaming text which can bring up years of memories. Even seeing a family member passing by on the street, can trigger a cascade of emotions. Again, we need to hold onto the fact that distancing ourselves can provide an outlet for releasing some of that pent-up emotion and help us find clarity about the relationship and how it affects us.

Relief: On the positive side though, there is often a deep sense of relief when they begin to distance themselves. The emotional and psychological weight of toxic family dynamics can feel like an unbearable burden, and once that burden is lifted, it opens the door for healing, growth, and peace of mind.

How do people start the process of distancing?

Even though the path may be long and difficult, I have never come across anyone who regretted their decision to start to distance themselves. The following are some of the ways that people I have talked to have manage to cope and come out the other side feeling stronger and happier:

1. Set clear boundaries: Be clear about what behaviours you will not tolerate and communicate these boundaries to your family. This could involve limiting the frequency of visits, choosing not to engage in specific conversations, or even taking a break from certain family members altogether. 
2. Communicate your needs: If you feel safe doing so, communicate why you need space or distance. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, but expressing your needs calmly and assertively can help reduce misunderstandings. 
3. Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive friends or a therapist. Having a strong support network can provide you with the emotional validation and perspective you need.
4. Focus on self-care: During this process, it’s crucial to prioritise self-care. Healing from family dynamics can be emotionally draining, so take the time to engage in activities that nurture your mental and physical health. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, or simply rest, relax, when you need to.
5. Take your time: Distancing from family isn’t a decision that should be rushed – it may be a long gradual process – one where you have to regularly stop and consider what is appropriate at each stage. It’s okay to take time to process your feelings, understand your motivations, and decide what kind of relationship (if any) you want moving forward.

Need some advice and support?

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, contact me:

See also: Dysfunctional Families, The Impact of a Dysfunctional Family, Setting boundaries in a dysfunctional family