What is scapegoating?
This is a blog following my theme of “dysfunctional families” and looks at the phenomenon of scapegoating – where a single family member becomes the ‘scapegoat’, “black sheep” or “problem child.” Sometimes this role can be passed between family members, but more often, one person is given the role and gets shamed, blamed, and criticised for things that go wrong within the family unit, a role which can last well into that child’s adulthood.
In a family with a controlling, combative, or narcissistic parent at the helm, scapegoating is an effective tool to maintain control not just over the interactions and behaviors of family members but also over the family narrative.
How does scapegoating affect a person?
To give some idea of the potentially catastrophic impact, a recent Irish Times article asked readers, anonymously: do you have a narcissistic parent? Here are two of the large number of replies they received, one having escaped to a new happy life with their own children, the other, although an adult, still trapped:
“I never remember being held or told I was loved. My first memories were fear. For years I wondered what the buzzing sound in my ears was – that was the sound of me subconsciously holding my jaw tight in fear constantly from when I was very young. As a child I would stay awake most of the night in fear. I’m now the happiest I’ve ever been and have two kids who I tell every day that they are deeply loved.”
“I am the scapegoat child of a narcissistic parent. I’m in my mid 20s now and still trapped in their web at home because the housing crisis in this country has made renting unaffordable for me, despite having a job with a decent salary. It is a terribly isolating experience which has eroded my mental health to a serious degree and which negatively impacts my relationships outside this household too. Other members of our family, friends and acquaintances view my parent as a model parent, utterly devoted and loving. They could never fathom the reality of the psychological abuse that my parent gleefully chooses to inflict. Every day I wonder how many other adult scapegoat children like me there are around the country, trapped at home, endlessly looking at property ads and hoping to find an affordable escape route out.”
Research into scapegoating
This is a topic only recently acknowledged and researched: Researcher Gary Gemmill said scapegoating permits a parent (and therefore wider society) to think of the family as healthier and more functioning than it actually is (as in the second of the two testimonies above). If it weren’t for that one individual (the person they have made into a scapegoat), the family would be perfect. This is an important point because it helps the parent curate the family narrative in a very specific way. As parents, we can ignore all kinds of bad behaviours, addictions, narcissistic abuse in ourselves – and portray ourselves to the world as good parents struggling with a difficult child.
Similarly, research by Zachary R. Rothschild showed that scapegoating allows a person to minimise guilt or responsibility for a negative outcome and gives him or her a sense of enhanced control because there’s always a reason to point to for a bad outcome.
Effects of scapegoating
The impact can be severe and can lead to long-lasting issues for the entire family, not just the scapegoat. A research study of adults reflecting upon their childhood found that children who were placed into a scapegoat role were more likely to experience abuse and neglect. They also often described themselves as “problematic” or “a burden” (Guler, 2021). Another study of younger and older adults found that individuals who found themselves in a scapegoat role in their family of origin were more likely to experience depressive symptoms (Zagefka et al., 2021).
Other effects are as follows:
- Trauma/PTSD
Being the family member blamed for the family’s dysfunction can lead to childhood trauma and possibly post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). People that have experienced trauma live with the ramifications, flashbacks, and emotional intensity throughout their lives. This trauma may continue to affect them even if family relationships are repaired.
- Low self-esteem
Low self-esteem may develop after years of being blamed and targeted by other family members. As a child, we tend not to question what our parents tell us.
- People pleasing tendencies
A child who is scapegoat, learns that in order to survive, it is safer to not rock the boat, to stay small and to put others’ needs before their own. In future relationships they may continue to use these learned behaviours and may take extreme measures to please people while sacrificing their own happiness and mental wellness.
Why me?
Coming to counselling, as an individual who experienced scapegoating, people always ask the question, “why me?” Sometimes is the rebel, the one who resists or calls out the dysfunction dynamic. More often though it seems to be the sensitive one (both males and females) What can be called the “outlier” – a child who the mother feels is different in ways between herself and her other children can result in that child being scapegoated – as can “the reminder” – the one who reminds a parent of another relative (often an ex-partner).
References
Gemmill, Gary. “The Dynamics of Scapegoating in Small Groups, Small Group Research (November, 1989), vol, 20 (4), pp. 406-418
Rothschild, Zachary R., Mark J. Landau, et al. “A Dual Motive Model of Scapegoating: Displacing Blame to Reduce Guilt or Increase Control,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (2012), vol. 102(6), 1148-1161.
Guler, Y. (2021). Parental Attitudes Determining Children’s Roles and Reflections of Children’s Roles on Adult Life: A Qualitative Study. OPUS International Journal of Society Researches, 18(Eğitim Bilimleri Özel Sayısı), 4013-4045.
Zagefka, H., Jones, J., Caglar, A., Girish, R., & Matos, C. (2021). Family roles, family dysfunction, and depressive symptoms. The Family Journal, 29(3), 346-353.
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See also: Dysfunctional Families, The Impact of a Dysfunctional Family, Setting boundaries in a dysfunctional family
