My next series of blogs look at one of the issues that brings many people to counselling – handling tricky relationships with families or with individual family members. This blog looks at both functional (good enough!) and dysfunctional families.

Future blogs will consider the long-lasting impact of dysfunctional families and how family members might handle and heal from this. It is often the case that destructive patterns (such as addiction) are handed down generation by generation – how  can we break the negative patterns of previous generations? People sometimes find themselves in the position of needing to break ties with some or all family members. I will also look at a particular types of dysfunctional families – including those where narcissism plays a part.

Are any families perfect?

First of all, there is no such thing as the perfect family even though we all have dreams of what our ideal family life should be, or should have been. As a society,  we tend to pretend that most families are pretty OK, and we tend only to talk about experiences that are positive. But…there’s no such thing as a “perfect” family. Families fight. They sometimes hurt each other. Parents make mistakes, children make mistakes.  Families can be imperfect and functional at the same time  – they don’t HAVE to be perfect or idyllic to be functional. Arguments will happen, and children and teens will probably break the rules sometimes. But in a well-functioning family, these hiccups don’t lead to abuse or breakdowns. 

What is a well-functioning family?

Here are some characteristics that are generally identified with a well-functioning family:

• Support, love and respect 

 The adults are respected as the people in charge, but children are also respected as individuals with their own personalities and desires. Every child is treated equally, and siblings aren’t made to compete against each other for their parents’ love.

• Providing security and a sense of belonging

Parents provide care for their children, and children aren’t expected to take on adult responsibilities. Every member of the family feels safe, and the home is free from violence (both physical and psychological).

• Open communication

 Conflict is allowed in a functional family. When someone doesn’t agree, they’re allowed to express their anger (in respectful ways). No one is shamed for experiencing conflict or appropriate emotion. Family members are encouraged to have their own feelings about things. Each person is free to strive for their individual goals and express their needs.

• Enjoyment of each other’s company…

 …despite daily stress and responsibilities. Ability to laugh and have fun together.

• Clearly defined rules and roles

 A crucial feature of a functional family is that the rules are flexible and can change as members of the family grow and change. Part of these established rules is that there are boundaries in place. For example, children are not brought into conflicts between parents. 

How are dysfunctional families different?

What happens when there is more negative stuff than positive stuff going on?

Families can be dysfunctional for several reasons. It can sometimes be because one or both parents live with an addiction, a mental health condition, or a personality disorder (such as narcissistic personality disorder). The family may become dysfunctional because one of the children has emotional or behavioural difficulties, and the family begins to revolve around this child.

A complex system

But dysfunctional families aren’t usually caused by only one person, although one person’s addiction or behaviour may contribute heavily. Family systems theory states that the family is a COMPLEX SYSTEM in which each member influences the other. So, instead of blaming one person for the dysfunction, it may be more useful to figure out the underlying interactions that may have contributed to the dysfunction.

What can cause dysfunction?

Situations that can lead to dysfunction include: 

• Children have to take on too many responsibilities (such as taking care of a sick parent)
• Parents are absent, so children are left to fend for themselves
• Violence in the household, an atmosphere of fear pervades, if something goes wrong, there is an immediate search for someone to blame
• No clear boundaries or rules within the family, leading to chaos and neglect
• There is no demonstration of love or affection between family members
• Family members invade each other’s personal privacy without consent (such as parents reading through a child’s journal or diary)
• Communication is stifled, children aren’t allowed to express themselves – feelings are wrong
• Children are used as weapons or pawns, either against each other or in parental arguments
• Physical, sexual, or emotional abuse
• Parents expect perfection from their children – there must be no mistakes, no vulnerability 
• Appearances (“what will people think?”) are more important than love, support, building up confidence – we all smile for the family photo…

My next blog will examine how we might survive and heal from a dysfunctional family.

Need some advice and support?

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, contact me:

See also: A Toxic Family, Signs of a Toxic Family, Ways to Cope with a Toxic Family