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Men and Courage

Traditional views about men and courage

This is the second of two blogs looking at courage, and this looks specifically at men and courage. In recent times, more attention has been turned towards what it really means for men to show courage: When we think of courageous acts, we often imagine physical dangers — firefighting, war, battle, taming wild beasts, climbing mountains…

Courage is often romanticised in tales of heroism and grand adventures, but in modern  life, it plays a vital and more nuanced role. It takes courage to contemplate and put into action a desired career change, to leave an abusive relationship, or to overcome challenge and adversity. Often the battles we fight today are within our own minds. 

As I said in my previous blog, FEAR seems to be an important factor in courage – if we don’t feel fear (either physically or emotionally), then it can’t be defined as courage. 

Fear and vulnerability

Author Frank Fradella in an excellent blog called The Courage of Men https://medium.com/@frankfradella/the-courage-of-men-9a69eb93d6ee says:”What we’re not trained for, nor ever really prepared for, is how to be vulnerable with our peers. In fact, much of our culture demands we grow into these stoic, masculine creatures. The vast majority of vulnerability that men share is with their romantic partners, conflating the two in a way that tells us early on that we’re only “safe” with someone we’re having sex with. That allows us to align our physical and emotional nakedness, which, on the surface, seems to be a good thing, but in actuality limits the people with whom we’re completely ourselves.”

Challenging traditional stereotypes

Efforts have been made to challenge traditional stereotypes, but there is still pressure on men to be strong, independent, stoical, competitive and tough. According to research published by the American Psychological Association, these “masculine traits” have been linked with mental health issues such as depression and substance abuse.  Joel Wong, who led a research team into this topic at Indiana University, says:

 “In general, individuals who conformed strongly to masculine norms tended to have poorer mental health and less favourable attitudes toward seeking psychological help.”

Talking to men

A 2016 article in the Guardian newspaper (link is below) developed this theme, talking to men of different ages and cultures about masculinity and being able to open up and be vulnerable when needed.

A 44 year old man from the North of England who had struggled with depression said: 

The pressure to uphold the traditional idea of masculinity stopped me getting help earlier. I come from the north and used to work in a shipyard. Among those I worked with there was an old-fashioned view of being a man – we don’t talk about our feelings. If you get upset about anything other than football you are considered a “sissy”. When people say, “How are you doing?”, if you say “A bit crap” the classic response was: “Could be worse.”

He continued: It was the same with older members of my family, who’d say, “Just get on with it”. Don’t complain or talk about what’s going on with you. It took me a long time to open up. Even going to a counsellor was difficult; talking about feelings was something women did.I lost a lot of friends, especially male ones, opening up about my depression. There’s a huge stigma around it. Doing counselling and getting involved with local charities, people have said talking to me made them feel better. I’ve had men thank me because it made them realise they are not alone. Men need to accept that talking is good and that the hardest part is showing emotion. Walking around with a smile on your face, telling jokes – that’s the easy part. But talking about life and your feelings, rather than how your football team did or how many pints you drank on Saturday night, is much harder.

A 31 year old man from London said “It can be very hard to admit vulnerability. Perhaps being a fairly big guy it’s easy to appear manly, to play that role, but the traits of “manliness” leave so little space for other important elements of our humanity. Traits that society might portray as more “feminine,” such as compassion, understanding and care, are essential, and sources of great strength.”

What courage really means

Men often feel they aren’t allowed to open up, even to themselves, for fear of being seen as weak or unattractive. From when they are small, society tells them to be brave and ambitious, overcoming obstacles on sports fields, battlefields, boardrooms. If they face mental or emotional challenges along the way, these are seen as weaknesses that shouldn’t be there, rather than parts of everyone’s lives.

The key steps we can take are:

  • Admitting vulnerability: This is a cornerstone of Brene Brown’s research (see my previous blog) Acknowledging that we need help is the first step towards recovery. It takes immense courage to admit our vulnerabilities in a society that often equates mental health struggles with weakness.
  • Seeking support when we need to: Whether it’s talking to a trusted friend or family member, seeing a therapist, or joining a support group such as AA, reaching out for help requires courage. It means trusting others with our most personal struggles rather than trying to “go it alone.”
  • Commitment to self-care: When times are tough, often the first thing to go is our self-care. We reach for sugary foods, caffeine and alcohol, we find ways to avoid exercise or scheduling time out for ourselves. Prioritising mental health through self-care routines, whether through meditation, exercise, or hobbies, requires a commitment that can be difficult to maintain, especially during tough times. The commitment to self-care no matter what, IS courage.

For more information

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/nov/24/as-boys-we-are-told-to-be-brave-men-on-masculinity-and-mental-health

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYbLjG7u2M0   Daniel Ellenberg and Rick Hanson on Courage

3 keys for courageous conversations https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OxKR42guq7Y Daniel Ellenberg

https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/03/13/courage-comfort-rumbling-shame-accountability-failure-work/      Brene Brown on choosing courage over comfort

Brene Brown Called to Courage https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ykn_uQrCzWQ

BRene Brown the courage to be vulnerable  https://onbeing.org/programs/brene-brown-the-courage-to-be-vulnerable-jan2015/ 

 

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Need some advice and support?

If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, contact me:

See also: Relationships and Stress: How women and men deal with stress differentlyManaging Anger in RelationshipsResilience and Getting Our Emotional Needs Met