When we lack the ability to say we’re sorry, minor offences eventually accumulate enough weight to sink our relationships. But the simple act of apologising can re-establish goodwill – even when we or the other person have committed much more serious offences, caused a lot of hurt. But an apology must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology, or one that is passive aggressive and not really an apology at all, can do more damage than the original offence.
So how to apologise? Fortunately, the art of effective apology is simple, and mastering it can mean a lifetime of solid, resilient relationships.
The strength in apology
When we feel mistreated, disrespected, insulted or let down, it affects us negatively even if that was not the other person’s intention. If they then refuse to admit fault, how do we feel? Probably upset, angry, uneasy, distanced, less willing to trust, and more defensive. The interaction and the relationship can get stuck on the unadmitted fault – worst case scenario, it can be destroyed.
On the other hand, if the other person admits the fault, we usually react pretty well! We feel safer, validated, on more solid ground, more at ease, warmer toward them – and more willing to admit faults ourselves. So there are clear benefits in admitting our faults to others. It cuts to the heart of the matter, reduces anxiety or anger, lets both parties move on.
Apologising shows strength
We might think that admitting fault is weak or that it lets the other person off the hook for their faults. But actually, it takes a strong person to admit fault, and it puts us in a stronger position with others. We have stepped up, taken control and the other person will probably be more inclined to admit fault themselves if necessary in future – we have set a precedent.
But it has to be done in the right way…
On the one hand…don’t overstate your fault out of guilt or to appease and try to repair the relationship quickly for fear of losing it. Be clear and specific in your own mind as to what the fault is, and what is not a fault. It’s alright to express or explain the context of the fault – like you were tired or upset about something else – but it is crucial to avoid justifying the fault – in highly charged situations, it’s usually best to simply acknowledge your fault without any explanation wrapped around it. And then it’s time to move on to more positive topics, to resume your relationship.
(It’s also good to admit a personal fault to yourself… and then to let go of guilt, self-criticism, beating yourself up – and to move on to self-compassion and self-care.)
Do I need to apologise?
Even if you don’t think what you said or did was so bad, or believe that the other person is actually in the wrong, it’s still important to apologise when you’ve hurt or angered someone. “To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person’s experience,” says Dr. Ronald Siegel, professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. He says that that that ability is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence, which underlies healthy, productive relationships of all types
Examples of bad apologies
It’s important to know how to decode bad apologies, whether you are on the giving or the receiving end. “I’m sorry” generally isn’t enough, on its own. It can be construed as too vague, insincere, or a quick way out of a difficult conversation. And obviously an apology is empty if you keep repeating the very behaviors you’re apologising for.
Here are some examples of a bad apologies: (Note the “but” and the “if” – they turn the apology into a non-apology!)
- “I’m sorry I forgot that we were supposed to be meeting up at lunchtime, but I was stressed out with work””
- “I’m sorry if that comment I made at the meeting offended you
- Bringing up the other person’s crime sheet (“I apologise for yelling and now you apologise for forgetting to collect me from the train station”) is another common apology error.
- “I apologise for whatever happened.” The language is vague and the offence isn’t specified.
- “Mistakes were made.” The use of passive voice avoids taking responsibility.
- “OK, I apologise. I didn’t know this was such a sensitive issue for you.” Sounds grudging and thrusts the blame back on to the offended person – implying you shouldn’t have been so sensitive.
Examples of good apologies
- “I’m sorry I lost my temper last night. I’ve been under a lot of pressure at work, but that’s no excuse for my behavior. I love you and will try harder not to take my frustrations out on you.” This statement takes responsibility for what happened, explains but does not excuse why the mistake happened, expresses remorse and caring, and promises better behaviour in future.
- “I forgot. I apologise for this mistake. It shouldn’t have happened. What can I do to avoid this problem in the future?” Short, simple, takes responsibility, describes the mistake, makes the person feel cared for, and begins a conversation about how to remedy the error.
For more information
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters-part-2-of-2/
Harriet Lerner’s excellent book: Why won’t you apologise? Healing big betrayals and everyday hurts and And one of her many excellent videos: Why won’t he apologise? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/just_one_thing_admit_fault_and_move_on Rick Hanson
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See also: Building strong relationships, Managing Anger in Relationships, Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships
