This is the second of two articles about scapegoating within the family and looks in more detail at the potentially catastrophic effects of scapegoating, and then at healing from scapegoating.
To give an idea of how scapegoating (or being labelled and treated as the “black sheep of the family”) can impact us, some anonymous accounts by Irish Times article (see link below) readers make heart-breaking reading – here are just two of the many they received:
“I have no memory of ever being shown any affection by my mother. No hugs, no kind words. Even as I went through the usual ups and downs of a young person’s life there was nothing. No comfort if I had a bad day at school, or when I struggled with the changes adolescence brought. Even when I had my heart broken and thought I would die of sadness, nothing was offered in the way of love or reassurance. I learned very young not to look for these things, they were not for me, and I was not worthy of them. I was either ignored, dismissed or shouted at – they were the only responses my mother seemed to have for me. I have two sisters who were not subject to the same treatment and this made it even harder, more lonely.”
“I was scapegoated about the age of 14, I’m 55 now. My siblings rejected me on my mother’s direction, my father was clueless. I left [home] under very insecure circumstances when I was 17 for my grandma’s house and explained the situation to her. She said I was too sensitive. [Today] I am a very content but damaged man living in the UK with fantastic friends around me. I will never go near my biological family under any circumstances and will be more content to die alone.”
When a scapegoat fights back
As a counsellor who has worked with many individuals who have found themselves in the role of scapegoat in their family, it is clear that they are usually extremely aware of what is going on, and are resilient and emotionally intelligent.
Always, when a scapegoat fights back, it can disrupt family dynamics and lead to tension, arguments and attempts to maintain the status quo from other family members who benefit from the scapegoat’s role. But it also offers the potential for positive change within the family – there may be newfound empowerment and increased confidence among family members resulting in healthier interactions.
But the period of fighting back can take an enormous toll: When scapegoats fight back, they may experience increased stress, anxiety, or depression as they navigate the conflicts and emotions that arise. They often face social isolation or rejection from family members (including the wider family who are unaware of what is going on) who resist their efforts to break free from the role. This can be emotionally challenging, as they may feel alone in their struggle.
The narcissistic family member (usually one or both parents, but may also be siblings) who has been projecting their issues onto the scapegoat will typically react with anger and defensiveness when the scapegoat defies their assigned role (even in very small ways). They may view the scapegoat’s actions as a threat to their control and authority within the family. Clients often report that in order to maintain their dominance, narcissists often employ gaslighting tactics. They may deny any wrongdoing, manipulate the narrative, and attempt to make the scapegoat doubt their experiences and emotions.
Healing from being scapegoated
Having worked with many individuals in this position, I know that the road to setting new boundaries, to stepping out of the old dysfunctional dynamic and starting to heal oneself is a long and painful one. But I have not come across anyone who regretted their decision. Often the hardest thing to do is the first step:
- Acknowledge your feelings
The first step in healing from being the scapegoat is to acknowledge and validate your feelings – often a mixture of anger, sadness, frustration, and confusion. Guilt and shame can also be in the mix. All these feelings are natural responses to being unfairly blamed and mistreated. Let yourself experience these feelings without passing judgment. Journaling or speaking with a trusted friend can help process your feelings.
- Understand the dynamics of scapegoating in your family
Scapegoating is often a result of dysfunctional dynamics within a group or family and it’s crucial to understand that the problem is not with you but with the unhealthy system that chose you as the scapegoat. This awareness can help you detach from the unfair blame placed on you and realise that you were a target because of the group’s need to project its problems onto someone else.
- Set boundaries
For many people, this involves distancing themselves from those who continue to scapegoat them or continually assertively challenging individual family members when it happens. It is important to understand that you have the right to protect your emotional well-being, even if it means creating physical or emotional distance from certain individuals. In the initial stages, people can find this incredibly hard to do and so seeking support is essential:
- Seek support
Another very difficult aspect of stepping back or setting boundaries is that other people simply don’t understand – society promotes the idea of the “perfect family” and many clients have told me that even some of their closest friends have been critical, when for example, they say that they will not be meeting up with their family over Christmas, or allowing their mother to spend time with their children, her grandchildren. People start to become very selective about who they can really trust to tell, and this is where therapy can be helpful – talking to someone outside the family/friend group in confidentiality and with total honesty, can help someone feel validated and that they are truly on the right track.
- Start to rebuild self esteem
Being the scapegoat can severely damage your self-esteem, leading you to internalize the blame and view yourself as inherently flawed. Rebuilding your self-esteem involves challenging these negative beliefs and replacing them with a more positive and realistic self-view. Treating yourself with the same consideration and understanding that you would extend to a friend is a great way to practice self-compassion. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, whether it’s pursuing a hobby, volunteering, or simply taking time for self-care.
- Forgive, but not for them—for YOU
It’s incredibly important to understand that forgiving those who scapegoated you doesn’t mean excusing their behaviour or allowing them back into your life. However, the focus should be on letting go of the hold that resentment and anger have over you. Forgiveness is for your one peace of mind—it’s a way to free yourself from the emotional burden of holding onto past hurts.
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If you are struggling with any of the issues raised in this article, or indeed any other emotional issues or life challenges and would like to talk things over in complete confidentiality, contact me:
See also: Dysfunctional Families. The Impact of a Dysfunctional Family, Setting boundaries in a dysfunctional family
