I’ve called this blog When an Apology isn’t Enough in order to show that whereas a good heartfelt apology can repair and make a relationship even stronger, that is, sadly, not always the case. What about more serious betrayals and situations where we have to accept that the other person may never apologise? What if we have received a heartfelt apology but we know that the damage is too serious for the relationship to be saved?
As I said in my earlier blog, How to Apologise when we lack the ability to say we’re sorry, minor offences eventually accumulate enough weight to sink our relationships. But the simple act of apologising can re-establish goodwill – even when we or the other person have committed much more serious offences, caused a lot of hurt. But an apology must be done right. A lame, badly constructed apology, or one that is passive aggressive and not really an apology at all, can do more damage than the original offence.
What is a good apology?
The key ingredients of a good apology are generally agreed to be quite simple and clear-cut. For an apology to be effective, it has to be genuine. A successful apology validates that the other person felt offended, and acknowledges responsibility (you accept that your actions caused the other person pain). You want to convey that you truly feel sorry and care about the person who was hurt, and promise to make amends. Here is the template for a good apology!
- Acknowledge the offence. Take responsibility for the offence, for causing the hurt, and confirm that your behavior was not acceptable. Avoid using vague or evasive language, or wording an apology in a way that minimises the offense or questions whether the victim was really hurt.
- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the offense occurred without excusing or minimising it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to say there is no excuse.
- Express remorse – “I am sorry” If you regret the error or feel ashamed, say so in these simple words.
- Offer to make amends and assure that you will try to ensure such a situation doesn’t happen again. For example, if you have damaged someone’s property, have it repaired or replace it. When the offence has hurt someone’s feelings, acknowledge the pain and promise to try to be more sensitive in the future.
Serious betrayals
What happens if there is a need to apologise for something a lot more serious than forgetting a lunch date or breaking someone’s favourite mug? In couples counselling, where one person has cheated, it is not uncommon for one person to say to the other, “I told you I was sorry about the affair ten times over so let’s just move forwards” – they want to wipe the slate clean and for the other person never to refer to it again.
This is a non-apology – the kind of thinking that can destroy a relationship. High-stakes situations call for an apology that’s more of a long distance run than a short sprint: This will involve being prepared to open our hearts and listen to the hurt and pain and anger of the other person on more than one occasion.
There’s no greater gift, or one more difficult to offer, than the gift of wholehearted listening to that kind of anger and pain when we are being accused of causing it. It’s not the words “I’m sorry” that soothes the other person and allows them to feel safe in the relationship again. More than anything, the hurt party wants us to listen carefully to their feelings, to validate their reality, to feel genuine regret and remorse, to carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and to make reparations as needed. They want us to really “get it” and to make sure there will be no repeat performance.
Why won’t they apologise?
What about the excruciating pain of the hurt or angry party who will never get the apology they need or deserve. Tragically this is a common scenario where there has been historical abuse – emotional, physical or sexual within a family. Those involved may never apologise and often the worse the harm, the less likely an apology will ever be forthcoming. It is a terrible fact of being human that the worse the harm, the greater the shame, the more the wrongdoer (and often several members of a family) will wrap himself tightly in a blanket of rationalisation, defensiveness, minimisation and denial. There is an inability to listen, to orient to reality, to take responsibility which can often affect an individual even more severely than the original abuse.
When an apology isn’t enough
Sometimes an apology is necessary, a good apology is given and accepted graciously, but does not fully repair the relationship. This might happen when there is a grievous betrayal, such as an affair, or the abuse of a child by a family member. An apology, even a sincere and heartfelt apology, may not be enough to heal all wounds or save all relationships.
Once an apology has been offered, it is 100% up to the wronged party to make their decision: They may appreciate the apology, forgive the offense and restore goodwill in the relationship. Or they may accept the apology in the spirit in which it was offered, but decide that the damage is not repairable and they cannot remain in that relationship.
For more information
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/im-sorry-how-to-apologize-why-it-matters-part-2-of-2/
Harriet Lerner’s excellent book: Why won’t you apologise? Healing big betrayals and everyday hurts and And one of her many excellent videos: Why won’t he apologise? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r6Y9uhmL6Y
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/just_one_thing_admit_fault_and_move_on Rick Hanson
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See also: How to Apologise, The Dangers of Anger and Bitterness, Overcoming Anger and Bitterness
